Give Me A Reason
by Juketsu No Kimi
Summary: After 15 years of neglect, Matthew can't handle the pain of being beaten up for who he is, he decides to move back to Canada. Of course when his family and the other nations finally notice, is it too late to get their Matthew back? Or have they waited too long to even notice that he was there? Mentions of F.A.C.E. family, CanadaxO.C., Mentions of suicide/Constant self-harm
1. Chapter 1

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 1

* * *

Matthew sighed as the cold blade touched his wrist, feeling the vein jump in excitement. He licked his wrist first, then bit his lip while dragging the blade down his wrist. _The excitement, the high of adrenaline**,** that is what I absolutely crave for the most. If there is a god, please let me die, I don't want to be alive anymore._ He sat up on his bed and looked around in his room. It was very plain and simple: a queen sized bed, a laptop on his desk, a dresser for the clothes that his parents bought for him, but only when they remembered him. Then he looked up and saw the Canadian flag hanging above him. _Home, my home is Canada, the only place where I truly fit in._ As he felt cold on his right side, the left side of him felt really warm. He looked at his arm and saw his whole hand covered in blood. As he walked to the bathroom, he lifted up his sleeve and stared at the reflection in front of him. He watched himself, almost like a zombie, clean his cut and wrap it up after dis-infecting it. Black bags under his eyes, pale skin; this is who he has become over the years.

* * *

Over his time of being in high school, being raised by both France and England, he is neglected by his family. Starting with his papa, Francis Boonefoy, the representative of France. When he was very little, he payed so much attention to him, like if no one else excited but him. Matthew very, rarely, has any dreams, but when he does, it's mostly of the old days. But now, he hardly pays attention to him. When Francis met Arthur, he noticed how the small child next to Arthur had his hair almost like his, but there were some differences to it. First Matthew's hair parted in the middle, not to the right like Alfred. Second, when they were teenagers and needed glasses, Alfred's were rectangles, while Matthew's were an oval shaped. And last but not least, Matthew was very quiet, shy, and sensitive unlike Alfred who was loud, annoying, and obnoxious. When Francis and Arthur were first dating, Francis used to sneak in women after their _'date's_ '. As much as it hurt Matthew to see someone being betrayed, he didn't know that he too would be used like those women.

His other father was Arthur Kirkland, the representative of England. It is true that he can't cook for his life, but he can do two things right: make tea and discuss litature. He met Francis when both Alfred and Matthew were 4 years old, the day that Matthew regrets with a passion. All he does is complain about some scandal that happened to the queen's son's brother, one of the things he respects and cares for. When all four of them got a house for the boys to live in, that's the day that he wishes never came. That day was the day when everyone started to ignore him, especially Francis. Arthur would sometimes look at him like a stranger, no wait, scratch that- every time he looked at Matthew he would forget who he was the next minute. All he wanted was to have a role model in his life who acted like an adult instead of a pervert, but it looks like he's not getting that.

And last and least of all is his brother, Alfred F. Jones, the representative of the United States of America. His brother would beat him up in his room, thus Matthew having an abusive childhood, both mental and physical abuse. When they would be at school, along with the other kids, Alfred would tease his younger brother. When they first entered junior high, the bullying got worse. And that's where the cutting begins. His 'helpful and kind brother' is just another bully. And now even that they are in their senior year, he calls him faggot, even though he is straight and had a very feminine way of looking at things, and how he should die. Matthew walks out from his bathroom and opens his window, instantly feeling the cool breeze hit his thin body. He walked towards the edge of the balcony, feeling the cold, harsh wind hit his low cut long sleeve shirt hard. His black and white stripped pants weren't keeping him any warmer either, but eh. Who can help it if they happened to like in such a cold environment, northern California.

He saw the clouds in the sky form a grey-purple color across the sky. _That reminds me of Canada, how I miss my hometown. Shit, what time is it?_ He glanced at his phone, 10:55pm it read. "Why waste my time awake when I could be asleep? But then again, my dreams haunt me so that's not a very good idea. Who cares about me anyways? I'm just a waste of space." After 15 minutes of staring at the sky, he walked back in his room and closed the window, keeping the small window next to it open, and removing his shirt. On his chest has deep cuts that have yet to healed, along with his arms and legs. He slowly removes his pants, leaving his boxers on and putting on red sweatpants, glancing at the moonlight shining on his bed, as if it was magic. He looks at his bed, seeing the Canadian flag again, the only things bright in his room. The walls around him being black, with some 'blood' splatters which were actually red paint that he did to look like blood when he painted his whole room by himself. He crawled into the bed and nuzzled into the pillow, seeing a white ball of fur lying in his own bed across from him. He smiled softly and soon fell asleep after tossing and turning for about 2 hours.

* * *

_A field, covered in darkness and blood, is what Matthew dreams of every day. "Where are you, my silver haired love?" he would yell as he wandered deeper into the forest. Soon he saw a beautiful child with bold silver hair, sitting down in the only spot where it was some-what bright. "I'm glad you came back for me Matthew." The silver haired child said as it held a bouquet of wilted roses in front of their face. "I wouldn't forget you, not now, not ever." He said as he sat down next to it, holding their hand. "Wont you please tell me what your name is?" is what he would ask every night, in every dream. "My silver hair should tell enough, my dear Matthew." It said while holding a yellow birdie. "Look, it's a birdie." It said softly._


	2. Chapter 2

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 2

* * *

_Soon in the dream, Matthew saw the silver haired child covered in blood, screaming in pain. In the dream, Matthew was crying his eyes out. "Please don't hurt my silver haired love!" he yelled at the darkness, but did anyone reply? No. He wasn't important enough to be remembered by anyone, even in his dreams. He saw the shadow's claws as they made their way to the silver bangs, slitting the small child's throat._ As soon as he saw that, he shot up from his bed and had a hard time catching his breath. He reached for his nightstand and grabbed his emergency inhaler. He inhaled the '_sweet_' medicine for 5 minutes and then put it away. The only reason why he called it _sweet_ was because it saved his life on numerous occasions.

He glanced at the clock, _5:20AM_ it read. "I might as well get ready now, so I don't waste any time later doing nothing." He mumbled as he crawled out of bed and walked to the bathroom. After he pissed and washed his hands, he removed his boxers and warmed up the water in his shower. He walked to his pet polar bear, kumajiro, and pet it softly. He felt as the bear nudge his hand and mumbled, "Hungry." "Ill feed you when I get out of the shower." He told his bear. Then he walked back into the bathroom and let the hot water hit his pale body.

* * *

From a distance, if anyone noticed Matthew long enough, they saw a girl. But when you move closer, it's just a guy who has some feminine curves. He grabbed a bottle of Axe shampoo and scrubbed it into his hair, not even bothering if it got into his eyes. His one curl that always stuck out got coated with shampoo. He sighed when he looked at the curl and slowly rubbed the shampoo off. He blushed red and leaned against the wall, sliding down to the floor of the bathtub, rubbing it again. He moved his right hand slowly down his body, which was very smooth because he is one of the only guys who shave down 'there', and touched the tip of his throbbing dick. He panted hard, hardly keeping his eyes open, and moved his finger tips slowly down his member. He bit his lip hard, not wanting to make any noise, and started to rub himself at a slow pace. He blushed as he pulled on the curl, only making his dick throb more. It's not like its small, far from it, since Canada is the second largest nation in the world, his dick is along 8 inches of pure muscle, and that's when it's not hard. Right now, it's along 9 inches, and already dripping with pre-cum. He moves his thumb to the slit at the tip and teased himself. Soon he shot open his eyes, seeing white dots for a minute as he came hard. Luckily the hot water washed it away in a matter of seconds. Then he slowly stood back up, rinsed the shampoo out and carefully putting conditioner in. then letting it set in for a few minutes, he rinsed that out and rubbed body soap over him, avoiding his vital regions. After 5 minutes of cleaning the new cut, he stepped out and dried himself off. He wrapped a towel around his waist and another around his shoulders, then walked to his dresser, picking his outfit for the day.

Blue and red stripped jeans with a green long sleeved shirt were his outfit for the day. He wore his usual neon red and white sneakers that made out the Canadian flag if you looked at them long enough. He changed into that and kept his prized razor in his pocket, not caring if it cut him or stabbed him if it was at a wrong angle. He put on his red hoodie, which now was 3 times too big on him, and walked downstairs. He grabbed a big salmon fish and walked back into his room and put the fish in kumajiro's food bowl, soon hearing him eat it as soon as it hit the bowl. He walked downstairs and started making pancakes, from scratch. He glanced at his phone and seeing the time, 6:20AM it read. He smiled a fake smile, for the real him died on the inside a long time ago. He made about 40 pancakes, setting 10 on a plate for the rest of his family. He packaged the remaining pancakes and put them in a container. He opened a cabinet behind the sink and grabbed a small bottle of pure maple syrup, straight from Canada, then setting that down by the container. He grabbed both and put them in his backpack, yawning slightly. He grabbed his keys and his backpack, walking downstairs and towards the front door. He turned around and saw his house fill with darkness, sighed, and walked out of the walked to the curb and unlocked the red Ford 1942 Plymoth, putting his backpack in the passenger side, then getting in the driver's seat. He pulled out the car keys and started the engine, then drove away into the sunset.

* * *

His day wasn't any better than when it started. First almost all of his teachers missed him and marked him absent, ignored him when he asked a question or for help, and even accidentally hit him with a ruler, thinking the desk was empty. Second came lunch, his favorite time of the day, where he could go and be free. He sat down at a tree and then heard his brother call him. "Hey FAGGOT!" he sighed and quickly put away his lunch, knowing he wasn't going to eat for a while. He saw Alfred, Yong Soo, and Ivan approach him. "So what's the little faggot boy doing today, da?" Ivan said in a happy tone that could kill you if it were possible. "I-im just reading my book. T-that's all." Was all Matthew could say before yong soo kicked him in the face. He lied on the ground, knowing if he fought back, he could end up dead. Alfred kneed him in the stomach 5 times before he saw Matthew cough up blood. Ivan grabbed his head and kicked his right eye, making a big black eye. They laughed and soon left after 5 minutes, not hearing Matthew cry in pain.

As soon as he could stand up, he walked to his car and drove to a hospital, checking in, and lying down on the soft bed that they gave him. He got out his pancakes and after drenching then in syrup, he devoured them. He put that away as he heard a nurse coming. She was a tall dirty blonde who had her hair in low pigtails with white bows, who looked at him and smiled. "Excuse me for asking, but aren't you the representative for Canada?" he looked at her and smiled. "Y-yes I am." Was all he could mumble. "I'm from Canada; please call me if you end up here again, id love to help you." She said while stitching his stomach up from the kicks that Alfred gave him. She gave him a bottle of painkillers and kissed his hand. "It's an honor meeting you Mr. Williams." she said while on one knee. He blushed, knowing that at least one person saw him for now. He smiled and then 30 minutes later, he drove himself home and parked in his usual spot. Instead of going through the front door, he climbed up the ladder hanging from his balcony and opened the door into his room. He lied down on the bed and sighed, feeling the painkillers take effect. Before he let sleep over come him, he could have sworn he saw a glimpse of silver hair flowing in the room with him.


	3. Chapter 3

(AN: WELCOME TO MY STORY! *shakes fist in the air with a cookie in the other hand* I only updated because you, the awesome readers, left me reviews. I'm going to make a rule: If I get AT LEAST 2 REVIEWS, I will update more often. I love reviews as much as I love my loved ones, which is...ALOT! anyways, please leave reviews so I know to keep continuing this story.)

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 3

* * *

As soon as the painkillers wore off, he woke up around 4:30AM. He sighed and sat up, stretching his body out without hurting it more. Matthew grabbed another blade from his nightstand. The moon light shining on the long, hunter's knife, clearly showing dry blood that wasn't cleaned off. He placed the blade against his forearm, heavily stared at the blade, and dragged it across his arm. The warm blood finally spilled freely from his veins, hitting the cold blade. He licked his arm, tasting the smooth- copper taste hit his tongue. He dipped his tongue deeper into the wound, clenching his hands into a fist, enduring the pain that shot through his arm. " I must have cut deep. I guess ill have to stitch this myself." He said to the some-what empty room as he leaned to the nightstand, opening one of the drawers and pulling out a needle and thread. He threaded the needle and grabbed pillow, putting it into his mouth. He bit down hard on the pillow when he first poked the needle through, but after the 3rd time, he got used to the feeling.

* * *

After 15 mintues, he tightened up the wound and bit off the thread that stuck out of him. he glanced at the time on his phone, _5:09AM._ " great, I still have time to relax. Maybe I can just stay home for a few days, its not like anyone would notice me anyways. Ill just go back to bed." He said while yawning. " but id better re-stock my fridge if im going to be up here for a couple days." Matthew said to himself as he quietly walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. He always had a shopping basket hidden under the sink, so he grabbed it, and opened up the fridge. " lets see, I have a mini- plug in stove top and I customized my bathroom sink to be like a kitchen sink. I even put in a garbage disposal in there. So I should be good with food and drinks." He mumbled as he put 2 steaks, 5 chicken legs, 4 tomatoes, a head of lettuce, 2 carrots, 1 onion, and 4 2-liters of Pepsi. As he turned around to the pantry, he set down the basket and opened the pantry. " lets see…I need basil, garlic salt, I already have a lot of maple syrup in my room so im good there. I need lemon juice and lime juice, maybe some bay leaves." He mumbled to the darkness of the house, filling his basket.

After 5 minutes of going through what he needed to stock up on for a few days, he walked back upstairs and closed the door behind him. He opened his closet door, showing a shiny, clean refgeratior. For 15 minutes matthew put away the food he collected and also put the bad food that needed to be put away in a separate bag. He tied up the bag and opened the window up, walking out to his balcony. He threw the bag into the empty garbage bin and smiled when it went in and didn't let the bin tip over. He looked at the sunrise and smiled soflty. " I wonder where you are, my silver love. I hope that we will meet by fate." He said to the cold wind. " I should take more medicine, before I forget." He said while walking back into his room, closing the windows once more. The container glowed slightly at the soft sunlight that hit the inside of his room, making him want to take more than he was recommended to take. He took 2 pills and lied back down, locking his door of course, and yawning slightly. He glanced at the clock and sighed when the time read, 6:45AM. " hopefully I can get some sleep." He mumbled as he fell asleep.

* * *

_As matthew walked down a path of golden flowers, he saw the silver haired child and smiled. " finally I see you again, my silver love." He said as he saw the child turn around, covered in flowers up to their neck, smiling softly. " im glad you came back matthew. I missed you." The child said. Matthew blushed as he lied down next to the child, feeling the coldness of their skin. " aren't you cold? You might get sick if you stay out here for a long time." He asked. The child looked at him with a smile on their face. " ill be fine, just remember me. Please remember me." " I will, why would I forget someone like you." He replied to the child. Soon dark clouds began to fill is dream, fogging around his eyes, blinding him from seeing his silver haired love._ He shot up in his bed, then quickly lying back down, holding his head up slightly. Grabbing the pillow next to him, he cried into the pillow hard for 3 hours. As his eyes slowly draped down to let him go back to sleep, he looked at the clock, _2:33PM_ it read to him. " where is my silver haired love now?" he mumbled before he let sleep overcome him.

_Slowly in a dark tunnel, he saw a bright light at the end of it. He ran up to it, feeling the warmth of sunlight. He smelled fresh maple syrup, which made his mouth water, and ran faster to the light. He felt a hand grab his shoulder and try to pull him back. he shrugged it off and kept running. As he felt more hands grab him and pull him, he tried his best to break free from their grip. He looked ahead and saw a figure with beautiful silver hair, twards the bright light, almost begging him to come twards them. He started to cry, desperately trying to break free from the hand's grip on him. " please let go! I need to be with my silver haired love! Let me see my silver haired lover! I don't care if I die! I need to see them now!" he yelled as he tried to run twards them, " I know you can do it. Pleased hurry up, matthew." The sweet, gentle voice called out to him, as if the sound was pulling him further away from the hands._

* * *

He rolled off his bed and woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily. Grabbing his inhaler and puffing the _sweet_ medicine, he calmed himself down and walked into the bathroom and threw himself at the toilet. He vomited everything, including stomach acid, for about an hour. 15 minutes of calming his heart beat down, he stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. " pale skin, thin body frame, my eyes have bags under them from sleeping too much, but who cares anyways. No one pays attention to me anyways. Its always been about Alfred and him alone." He said to the mirror, looking deeply into his own eyes. He slowly walked to his fridge and grabbed a banana, peeling it, then slowly eating it. He lied down on the floor, It being a comfy place to lie down at the moment, and closed his eyes. " I wonder when I will get to go home." He mumbled as he saw the clock light up, _12:35PM._ " I must have slept either a whole day, or just a few days that seem to blend together." He whispered as he felt the warm breeze hit him as he downed himself in his dreams and sorrows.


	4. Chapter 4

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 4

* * *

Matthew tossed and turned in his sleep, feeling the softness of the carpet beneath him. He opened his eyes and yawned slightly. "Why doesn't anyone notice me? I'm here, im alive, very few people see me for a few minutes, but at least they still see me." He said to his polar bear. "Who?" it mumbled softly. "Im Canada, Matthew Williams, your owner. Why don't you remember me?" he asked kumajiro. "Hungry. Please feed me." It said while clawing his food bowl. Matthew smiled as he went to his fridge and grabbed a big koi fish, setting it down in kumajiro's food bowl. As he watched the bear eat, he washed his hands and checked his phone. "Seems like ive slept 2 weeks through. No texts, no calls, no nothing. Seems like im a waste of space really." He said while warming up the shower. He set his phone down on the bed, removed his sweatpants, boxers, and shirt and stepped inside the warm shower.

He sunk to the floor, letting the hot water hit his skin. Slowly, tears started to fill Matthew's eyes. "Why won't anyone else notice me?" he mumbled as tears slowly spilled out of his eyes. He clenched his hair and screamed. "Why won't anyone notice me!" his voice echoed through the house, but no one heard him scream. He started clawing legs, feeling the burn of the hot water hit new wounds. After 2 hours of crying, he grabbed the shampoo and put some into his hair. After rinsing it out, he put conditioner in his hair, trying to avoid the one curl that stuck out. He accidentally touched the tip of it and moaned softly. As his left hand was stroking the curl, his right hand slowly moved down to touch his throbbing member. He moaned softly as he rubbed himself hard. His thumb played with the little slit at the head, his left hand played with his curl. After 5 minutes of rubbing and moaning, he came hard, but not as hard as the last time he rubbed one out.

Then he rinsed out the conditioner and turned off the water, grabbing a towel and wrapped his waist with it. He stepped out of the bathroom and opened his window, stepping out onto his balcony. He looked at sky, seeing beautiful shades of orange, red, and purple. "It must be almost night. I really have been sleeping these days away. Maybe I should move back to Canada when im finished with high school. That would be nice." He said as the wind blew threw his hair, drying it off for him. He felt a soft bundle of white fur brush up against his legs. He picked him up and kissed its nose and smiled. "Someday, we'll go home to Canada. I just know it kumajiro." He said to him while looking deeply into his eyes. "Who are you?" he softly asked as Matthew sighed at hearing the question he knew like the back of his hand.

"Im Matthew Williams, Canada, your owner." He said as the bear nuzzled into his neck. "I wonder where you are, my silver haired love." He said as the wind picked up. The golden skies shined upon him, as if to give him an answer. After closing the windows when he walked back into his room, he pulled out a pair of black sweat pants and a blue wife-beater tank top and put them on. "I should stretch out so my body so it wont hurt me as much when I wake up." He mumbled to himself as he sat back down on his bed. 1 hour of stretching later, he looked at himself in the mirror. "My body should be rotting at the rate im sleeping. Why am I even here? I'm not pretty or handsome. I'm ugly." He looked deeply into his eyes, through the reflection, and started to cry. "No one notices me at all…..why wont anyone just look at me and be happy that im alive?" he cried to the empty head. "Even on my birthday, no one says it or even a card! Not even a sticky note." His eyes quickly become red, being sensitive, and he lied down on the bathroom floor, feeling the cool tiles hit his hot skin. Closing his eyes, he escaped the cold and hurtful reality for a day.

* * *

_The silver child, covered in white roses, turns around to face Matthew and softly smile. "You know, I wish what its like to be normal. Don't you wonder the same thing, Matthew?" the child asked after sitting next to Matthew. "I do wonder. Maybe there's a way that we both can fit in." he said after thinking about it for 2 minutes. "But im the only child who has silver hair and ugly eyes. My eyes, being so horrible, have drawn people away from me. I don't want to show them to you because I know that when you do see them, you'll want to kill me and not be my friend anymore." The silver haired child said while trying not to cry. Matthew looked at the child, held its hand, and wiped their tears and smiled. "Please don't cry. To me, I don't need to see your eyes to know that you are beautiful. My silver haired love, we will find each other and get married. I promise." He said as the child threw themselves into Matthew's arms, giggling and smiling softly. "If I did die Matthew, would you die with me?" he looked down, seeing the silver hair become soaked with blood. Panicking, he tried to wipe the blood off of his love, not caring if he got blood on himself. "Please Matthew. If I died, would you die with me?"_ were its last words before Matthew forced himself awake, he felt himself wake up in a cold sweat and tears.


	5. Chapter 5

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 5

* * *

Once again, he crawled to the nightstand, grabbing the inhaler, inhaling the _sweet_ medicine, and then putting it back. He ran his hands through his hair, drenched in sweat, sighing that he'd have to take another shower to clean himself. " how long has it been?" he grabbed his IPhone, unlocking it, and checking what date it was. "great, its been a month. I really should stop sleeping so much. I cant help it if sleep makes time go by faster. Technically I can just quit school, I already know this shit. Ill go tomorrow so I can actually get out of the house." Is what he said through the darkness of his room. He looked at the time, 4:30AM it read. " good. Now I still have time to take a shower. Maybe eat some breakfast, but then again im not hungry and Im not gonna eat anything until I really have to, so why bother? Im pretty being the way I am. Or who im trying to be, that is." He walked to the bathroom and saw his refection: pale skin, dark bags under his eyes, cuts that now are scars; this is what drove him crazy. He grabbed his head, using both hands, and started to cry. " I don't know what's real and whats not. Why aren't I just Normal?!" he yelled, but no one bothered to listen to this pour, fragile soul, slowly crumbling into dust.

* * *

Panting heavily, drenched in sweat, blood, and tears; this was one of the things he was used to: a panic attack. He started to bang his head against the wall, screaming out loud for anyone to hear. No one heard the scream in the house, nor did they bother to lift a finger to see what was going on. Deep down, he knew that god hated him, and for what? Being a innocent soul who is tainted with pure sin. Sure he can just pull on their clothes, but why bother when they don't acknowledge your very existence? Feeling the warm blood slowly trickle down the back of his skull, he smiles softly and looks at his fingernails. " Finally! I can find a way to fix myself! Ill make myself become pretty! After all, school is officially over in 3 days!" Matthew said as he crawled to the toilet, panting heavily. He lifted his right hand towards his mouth, putting his first 2 fingers in his mouth. They reached to the back of his throat, slowly moving down his throat and feeling the urge to puke.

After 2 hours of puking what little food and stomach acid he had, he crawled to the shower and turned it on. He ripped his clothes off, throwing them in the trash, and getting into the tub. The water burned his whole body, slowly opening wounds that refused to heal. Sighing, he gently put his head against the side of the tub and shed a tear. " why am I ignored all the time? Alfred doesn't even get good grades, he isn't in any honors classes, he isn't even any sports! All he does is eat hamburgers like the fat fuck he is and tries to get laid. Why was I born in the first place?" As the water flows down his body, he moves to the fetal position, hugging his knees tightly. Warm blood flows from opening wounds, some from the old wounds, and others from the ones hes currently making. Slowly bringing his hands back up to his shoulder blades, he digs deep into his flesh and very slowly, making sure that he can feel the pain, drags down his back. the clear water now turns into a ruby red, making matthew smile. " im almost perfect. Im almost who I wanna be, me." He says softly to the water around him.

An hour of cleaning the tub and his wounds later, matthew opens his door to his balcony and steps out. Beautiful copper and a tone of warm yellows melt the sky away._ Why don't I just take a 'me' day and relax? That's what I need, to just relax and enjoy America while im still here._ Matthew walked back into his room and looked in his closet for something to wear. If he was going to go out in public, he was going to wear something that was presentable. After all, that was one of arthur's life lessons: image means everything. He put on blue skinny jeans, a green long sleeved shirt, and orange Vans. Walking back outside, he grabbed his keys, climbed down the ladder and walked towards his car. Unlocking it, he sat down in the driver's seat and shed a tear. Figiting with his keys, he put the car key in and drove off to where the road took him.

* * *

_Why aren't I just dead yet? I should just fucking kill myself like Alfred said. God, why am I alive?_ Tears poured down matthew's face as he drove to a park near his school, besides its not like anyone would notice if he wasn't in school anyways. He pulled into the parking lot, parking in the shade and in front of a big tree, he sat in the car. His eyes are more black, his skin so pale, and his body is so thin; constant bullying has lead matthew to become like this. After 45 minutes of staring at his own reflection while crying, he gets out of the car, locks it, and lies down in front of the tree he parked in front of. He stares at the sky and smiles softly, thinking about the love of his life, the beautiful child that has silver hair. His dreams of hope ended quickly when he heard, "FAGGOT! MATTIE THE FAGGOT IS FINALLY BACK!"_ great, just what I need, some bullshit fat fuck dumbass piss cunt face._ He sat up and sighed, knowing what was to come.

Alfred walked up to matthew and smiled softly. " whats my little faggot brother doing today?" he said while poking, well jabbing, matthew's thigh hard. " n-nothing Alfred. Just relaxing, you know, graduation is only a few days away." He mumbles softly so Alfred doesn't hear it. Getting angry quickly, Alfred grabs matthew's head and smashes it into his knee. Standing up, Alfred grabs matthew by the ankle and drags him across the park, ignoring matthew's pleas, and back to matthew's car. He kicks him in the stomach many times, until he sees blood, he isn't stopping. After 15 minutes of kicking, he sees matthew cough up blood and drops him. he turns around and heads to his car and yells out loud, "BYE~ MY LITTLE FAGGOT BROTHER! KILL YOURSELF OR I'LL DO IT FOR YOU NEXT TIME." Matthew didn't bother to look up until he heard alfred's car drive out of the parking lot. He crawled to his car and drove fast to the hosipotal where he went to the first time. Carefully stepping out, he walks in and sees the nurse he had the last time he was here. As she turned around, she screamed slightly and jumped over the desk to help him. " im back, eh." He mumbled as darkness over powered him and he fell to the ground.


	6. Chapter 6

(AN: I'll do author's notes every 3 chapters. Fem! canada is appearing in this and will be in future chapters. please leave a review and honestly tell me what you think of my story. i dont own hetalia!)

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 6

* * *

As soon as Matthew hit the floor, the nurse grabbed his limp body and rushed him into the surgery room. After 15 minutes of waiting outside the operating room, they carefully placed Matthew's body on a bed and rolled it into a private room on the second floor of the hospital. The nurse followed him and begged the on-site doctor to be Matthew's nurse while he's here. Not wanting to hear anymore begging, the doctor said yes and gave her the clipboard containing all medical information on him. She sat down next to his bed, hearing the monitors beep. 2 days pass; she is always in his room checking up on him and changing his bandages. As soon as she saw blood leak through his bandages, she removes them and changes them for the day. 15 minutes later, she looks over and sees Matthew opens his eyes and smiles. "Good evening Mr. Williams. How are you doing?" he looked at her and smiled softly. "I feel like crap and hurting." He mumbles. "Well if it makes you feel better, your stomach was injured badly to where it has 20 stitches, you have a concussion, and that's pretty much it." He looked at her and smiled, knowing that someone remembered him.

"Do you work here a lot?" he asked after 5 minutes of silence. "No, im just a visiting nurse. I'm from Canada, and I work there, but my boss made me try out nursing in America." She said while playing with her hair. He sat up, with her help of course, and looked at her. "Im leaving for Ontario in a few days, do you wanna fly back home with me?" She looked at him and smiled softly. "Id love to. It would save on money and someone's time. Thank you very much Mr. Williams." she looked at him and smiled. He grabbed the clipboard and the pen that was attached to it and wrote down his number. "Here, so that way you can text me when you are ready to go." She blushed slightly and smiled. After a few minutes of exchanging numbers, she looked in his eyes and smiled. "Im Madeline. I'm surprised that your wounds are healing fast." She said while looking at one mark on his arm slowly scar up and then fade away. "That's because im the representative of Canada. I don't heal as slow as my citizens. I should be fine enough to go home. And do you know what day it is?" he asked. "It's the 14th of june and its 6:45 in the morning." She said while he face palmed. "Shit. I hate to be a bother but could you go to my school and pick up my diploma? And besides, tonight's when im leaving." He said while stretching. Madeline sat up and smiled, "id love to. It'll get me out of the hospital for a while. Do I need to wear anything special?" "No not really. If you want to you can. Oh, I forgot to mention this but I know it will happen. My family forgets me often, so when they see you and you say my name, they'll remember me. Can you please not tell them where I am?" he begged her. She smiled softly. "I'd never break a promise. When do I need to go?" "My school is on Pomona and chapmen; it'll start in 15 minutes. Since my last name is Williams, it'll be called near the end. But good luck, im gonna go sign myself out, go home and grabs some things, then ill text you when im done." Matthew said as he carefully pulled out the ivs from his arms. "Alright, ill meet you at the park by the school, got it?" she said while putting her hair into two usual low pigtails. "Got it." Matthew said as he put on his shirt, being thankful that he already had his pants on.

* * *

Madeline walked out of her car and looked at the school in front of her. "Wow. So huge, how the hell do you not get lost?" she mumbled. "Hey babe~ how would you like to stimulate my economy?" Alfred said as he put his arm around her waist and smiled. She kicked him in the nuts as Arthur and Francis walked over to help him. "Im sorry for my son's behavior. I'm Arthur Kirkland, his father. Did he try and flirt with you?" he said while grabbing Alfred's arm hard while giving her his soft face. "Yes, im Madeline. I'm looking for the auditorium. Do you know where it is?" she said while looking at her hands. "Yes we are going there; would you like to tag along with us?" Francis said. Smiling, she walks with them, seeing Alfred walk with his friends and Arthur sitting next to her. After 45 minutes of hearing random names being announced, she heard Matthews name. "Matthew Williams." "WAIT!" she yelled as she excused herself form where she was sitting and ran up to the stage and looked at the principal. "Matthew Williams isn't here today because he is at a disclosed location, but he did want his diploma. May I please have it so I can give it to him?" she said in one big breath. "Sure, I don't really know who he is anyways." He said while putting the diploma, along with some other papers in the envelope, and gave it to her. As she walked off the stage and back to her car, all she heard was, "who?" "I don't know who he is?" "Does he even go here?" "Who is he?" and ran faster to her truck. Back at the ceremony, Francis looked down and sighed, earning a look from Arthur. "Are you ok?" he looked up at him and smiled. "Yes, I think I just forgot something." "Well what ever it was, it probably wasn't even that important." Arthur mumbled as he kissed Francis's nose.

* * *

Matthew put the last pair of shoes that he had, not that 5 were a lot, in the suitcase he had in front of him. As he turned around, he saw how dark and nice the room looked. The fridge in the closet was cleaned out, the sink and bathroom clean, and the bed made. He packed up kumajiro's food and accessories in his own suitcase, then putting kumajiro in his own cage. He sighed, knowing that no one would look for him, so he took the bags and put them in his car. Walking back upstairs, he had 10 locks on one side of the door, on the hinges too, so around 40 locks were used. He locked 20 on the side he was on, walking out the front door and back into his room through the window, and locked the other 20. Matthew looked at his room and sighed because if anyone even bothered to look in here, they wouldn't find anything good. All they would know is that Matthew Williams lived here: neglected, abused, and a victim of self-harm. He left a note on the bed, taking one last look of his room, he shed a tear and saluted the room. "Goodbye. Goodbye my friend." Were the last words anyone made in the room. Jumping down the ladder, he made sure kumajiro was in the car in his cage, and drove to the park.

* * *

_"Dear Reader,_

_I know that this letter will rot away because no one wants to look inside this wasteland of a room. Id like to say that I, Matthew Williams: the representative of Canada, have decided that after many years of abuse and neglect, to move to Canada. And id like to say another thing too. If this is some how, by some miracle in any space and time, Arthur, Alfred, or Francis reading this, then read last four words of this letter and fucking remember it you hosers. Id like to start out with Francis, my papa. When I was very little, he payed so much attention to me, like if no one else excited but me. I very, rarely, have any dreams, but when I do, it's mostly of the old days. But now, he hardly pays attention to me. When Francis met Arthur, I noticed how the small child next to Arthur had his hair almost like his, but there were some differences to it. First my hair parted in the middle, not to the right like Alfred. Second, when we were teenagers and needed glasses, Alfred's were rectangles, while mine were an oval shaped. And last but not least, im very quiet, shy, and sensitive unlike Alfred who was loud, annoying, and obnoxious. When Francis and Arthur were first dating, Francis used to sneak in women after their 'date's '. As much as it hurt me to see someone being betrayed, he didn't know that he too would be used like those women. Next is Arthur, my dad. It is true that he can't cook for his life, but he can do two things right: make tea and discuss litature. He met Francis when both Alfred and I were 4 years old, the day that I regret with a passion. All he does is complain about some scandal that happened to the queen's son's brother, one of the things he respects and cares for. When all four of them got a house for the boys to live in, that's the day that I wish never came. That day was the day when everyone started to ignore him, especially Francis. Arthur would sometimes look at me like a stranger, no wait; scratch that- every time he looked at me he would forget who I was the next minute. All I wanted was to have a role model in his life who acted like an adult instead of a pervert, but it looks like I didn't get that. The last and least is sadly my brother, Alfred. My brother would beat me up in my room, thus I having an abusive childhood, both mental and physical abuse. When we would be at school, along with the other kids, Alfred would tease me. When they first entered junior high, the bullying got worse. And that's where the cutting begins. My 'helpful and kind brother' is just another bully. And now even that we are in their senior year, he calls me faggot, even though I am straight and have a very **feminine** way of looking at things, and how I should die. Hell, he's sent me to the hospital many times because he beat me up so hard. And I even got beaten up for him when other students confused me for him, still going to the hospital. But did no one call or even bother to visit, nope. All I am is just a waste of space, someone who should die. And I will admit that because of the abuse that my family has put me through, I am an active cutter. I cut myself almost every day, just to remind me that im sadly alive. I know that no one is going to come looking for me, so why bother making a letter so no one can read it? I want to make sure that someone knows that I hate Francis, Arthur, and Alfred with a passion. I don't love them, but id love to see them crawl and beg for forgiveness. I should be going, lots to do in Canada. Before I go, id just like to say that im leaving my room, which to me was my home. I adjusted the sink in the bathroom to become like a kitchen sink and even put a fridge in the walk in closet. I lived in my room alone, well kumajiro was there, but otherwise I was alone. I hope that I find my silver love soon. I bid my farewell and hope to find the love of my life, someone with beautiful silver hair._

_Its All Your Faults_

_- Matthew Williams."_


	7. Chapter 7

Give Me A Reason

Chapter 7

* * *

As matthew drove, he called his boss, letting him know that he was going back to Canada. " Is there a certain reason why you want to come back here or something? Its not like you." " I graduated and I want to come home. That's all. Can you send my private jet to the airport?" he asked while turning a corner. " sure. Ill meet with you when you land in Canada. Goodbye matthew." His boss said as he hung up and parked his car next to madelines. He stepped out and called out to her, seeing her walk twards him. " here is your diploma and everything. Ill lead the way to my hotel." She said in one big breath. She got back in her truck, matthew in his car, and both drove off to a hotel called, ' holiday inn'. Once they parked in the back, they walked up to madelines room and relaxed for a bit.

" do you need to have your bandages changed?" she asked after 5 minutes of silence. " no why?" matthew asked while looking at her. " I only asked because your playing eith them." She said as matthew looked down, realizing that he had been untying them, then re-tying them up again. Nervous, he stopped and lied down on the other bed in the room. " im fine, just a nervous habit, that's all." He mumbled. " if your tired, you can sleep. Ill wake you up when its time to head to the airport." Madeline said as matthew closed his eyes and drift off into his dreamland.

* * *

_The path that he walks on is drenched in blood, the only light there is nothing but a silver sliver in the night sky. The cold wind hits matthew's bones as he walked down a blood covered path. " where am i? is anyone there?" he said softly. Seeing tree branches in front of them, he moves them out of the way. " go die faggot!" what was that? quickly moving his head to the left, he listens for the noise again. Silence fills the air, and with that, matthew keeps moving forward. " die homo!" where the fuck is the noise coming from? Matthew starts to sprint, moving any branches that appear in his way. " you shouldn't have been born in the first place!" he felt a very cold chill run down his spine, letting a tear spill from his eyes. " where are you?! Tell me where the fuck you are!" he yelled into the darkness. No answer, just cold wind brezzing by. Fuck this. Matthew took off running towards the silver light. " fucking queer!" "why wont you kill yourself already?!" " if your gonna cut yourself, cut downwards so we don't have to see you anymore!" " just die!" tears spilled onto matthew's face, making it harder to run towards the small light._

_A thick fog slowly appears in front of matthew, scaring the crap out of him, helping him start to have a panic attack. " where are you matthew?!" I know that voice. Running towards the voice, his heart starts to beat faster, hearing each beat and feeling each thump. " im here! My silver hair love!" "where are you?!" the voice yells. Falling a couple of times, he gets up and keeps running. Hearing a childs scream, he turns pale white, feeling faint. I have to make it. I just have to see who my silver haired love is…without dying of course. After what feels like hours, he stops running to see a bundle of silver hair. Slowly approaching it, the hair leads a trail, following blood splatters as well. Feeling the cold air, he sighes as he walks down the silver path. When he sees more blood than silver, a voice whispers into his ear, " go find your love matthew." He shivered when he heard that voice, he knew who it was: Alfred. " leave me alone Alfred! Don't come anywhere near me! I don't love you anymore!" but only hyseterical laughter answered him. he saw a golden figure, with long silver hair, convered in blood, weeping. " its ok. Im here for you. You don't have to cry alone anymore." Matthew said as he knelt down in front of the silver child, holding it close, not caring that he was starting to get covered in blood. " matthew, please find me." He looked at the silver figure, smiling. " I promise that I will find you someday." Tears spilled out of his eyes as he kissed the figure in front of him. feeling no heartbeat from the figure, his blood ran cold. Lightly shaking the figure, he starts to cry and shake slightly. " go die!" "" I should've killed you when I had the chance!" " why aren't you dead yet?!" where are these voices coming from?! Throwing both hands over his ears, he screams loudly and lets the tears fall out from his eyes._

* * *

As matthew shot out of bed, he fell on the floor and looked at his hands. No blood. That should be good, I guess. Madeline helped him sit up and looked at him. " are you ok?" " im fine. I just had a nightmare, that's all." He replied. He slowly walked to the bathroom and washed his face and to change his shirt. He came out and Madeline grabbed his hand, making him slightly blush. " let me change your bandages before we go." He looked at her and smiled softly. She walked him to one of the beds to sit down on, grabbed some bandages from her purse, and then slowly unwrapped his bandages. Wincing at the pain, he clenched his hands into fists, hoping that she would be done soon. After 10 minutes of being in pain, she smiled softly. " im done. But please don't pick at them anymore, eh. You can take them off after tomorrow, so that's a good thing." She said. Matthew looked at the new bandages, then standing up, grabbing his bags. " we should head to the airport now. Do you want me to have your truck airlifted to Canada?" she smiled softly, " that would help me a lot. Thank you so much." He looked at her for a second, then turned around smiling. " its nothing."

* * *

After getting both matthew's and madeline's cars into the back of the plane, they boarded and soon took off. Matthew looked into the dark, night sky, sighing softly. looking at Madeline for a minute, he looked back at the window._ How can she sleep on a plane? Even though ive slept on planes too, and the fact that the seats are so fucking comfy, I cant close my eyes without seeing a nightmare._ Feeling cold, he grabbed a blanket and looked out the window again._ When will I ever find my silver haired love?_ He thought as he saw a flash of silver lightening in the sky.


End file.
